M A N N E R I S T Q U I Z Many writers are unsure whether they are Mannerists or not. It is difficult to tell; debate on the criteria is ongoing and a resolution specifying the characteristics of Mannerism may not be reached for many years. True Mannerism manifests itself in lifestyle as well as prose style. This quiz is offered in the hopes that it will resolve some of the authors' uncertainties about whether they are indeed on the cutting edge of this fashionable trend. 1. You, a writer, are going to be stranded in Napier, New Zealand, a charming Art Deco seaside resort, for one week. It is the off season and everything is closed, even the miniature golf course, although the nocturnal mammal house is open from two p.m. to five p.m. daily. You may select one of the following pre-assembled packages of materials for your amusement. Which shall you take? A. _Humphrey Clinker_, _The Age of Scandal_, and _The Oxford History of New Zealand_ B. _Tom Jones_, _An Alphabet for Gourmets_, and the _Blue Guide to England_ C. _The Bone People_, Fowler's _Modern English Usage_, and the Lonely Planet guide to New Zealand (hitching in New Zealand is safe and easy and you have no intention of staying in Napier for an entire week) D. _London Fields_, _And the Band Played On_, and _Matt Groening's Big Box of Hell_ 2. Friends who are not especially good friends have just telephoned to say they will visit half-an-hour from now. A. You hang up the telephone, seize the vacuum cleaner, and carpet lint dies before your frenzied onslaught. B. You hang up the telephone, seize the mixing bowl and some ingredients, and make crumpets. C. You hang up the telephone, seize the cat, and put her out, because your friends are allergic to cats; then you vacuum thoroughly, opening the windows as you do so that the dust will blow out; fifteen minutes before your friends arrive, the house is presentable and you are taking a quick shower. D. You mutter an obscenity and wonder why you didn't let the machine pick up the call. 3. Your wardrobe can be approximately (but certainly not exactly) squeezed into one of the following categories. Note that for the purposes of this question, "wardrobe" means "clothing you wear", which can be your own or borrowed, NOT "all clothing you own"; this excludes garments which are out of favor temporarily or permanently. This question is unashamedly biased towards the feminine; indignant flames from the other side will be loftily ignored. A. 25% of all garments are black; little flat black shoes; attractive floaty scarves; black tights; and a really good linen suit with a silk blouse. B. 40% of all garments are black, including lingerie; tall black boots; a black hat and coat (or very elegant vest, your choice of materials); and a couple of really nice gathered-body full-sleeved silk and linen shirts (lace and ruffles optional). C. 60% of all garments are black; black high-top sneakers; leather bomber jacket; turtlenecks and T-shirts add a touch of color. D. 100% of garments are black and all are either leather or denim; thick-soled black shoes; lingerie includes a black leather corset usually worn instead of a shirt. 4. You are dining in a pleasant environment, partaking of well-prepared viands and good beverages in excellent company. The situation is most likely to resemble which of the following? A. French-speaking waiters, nouvelle cuisine, and California wine; taken with a group of three fellow writers conversing about recent works in the fantasy genre and eighteenth-century French theatre B. English-speaking waiters, Northern Italian food, and French, German, and Spanish wines (one bottle of each so far); taken with a group of two underemployed writers, an Italian professional cyclist, a pair of musicians, and a performance artist who is videotaping the dinner conversation which has become a theatrical performance of a ad-libbed eighteenth-century farce, in which the waiters are enthusiastically playing parts C. Mandarin-speaking waiters, Hunan and Szechuan food, and Kirin beer, taken with two colleagues from work who are fun to go out with, your spouse, four of your spouse's colleagues from work who are not so fun, and three electrical- engineering graduate students conversing about Bill Clinton and the Persian Gulf War, with side forays into Monty Python routines D. Greek-speaking waiters (at least, it sounds like Greek to you), Middle- eastern food, and Budweiser beer, taken with two unemployed friends who are scarfing the bottles to get the deposits, three musicians who will play a gig with you on the restaurant's stage in an hour or so, your friend the restaurant owner, your significant other who does not like what chick peas do to you and has said so, and two people you don't know who haven't said anything, conversing about Heidegger, legalization of marijuana, and your group's upcoming first recording session 5. Your most recent satisfying sexual or intimate encounter involved: A. Waking up as the front door closes; blushing on finding you're still wearing someone else's shirt; wandering into the kitchen to discover a dozen daffodils in a jelly glass and a telephone number taped to the refrigerator; standing in the shower for a long time making reminiscent little moaning noises; wearing the shirt to work. B. Waking up beside the Italian professional cyclist who after dinner gave you a lift home on the crossbar of a $3K custom Merlin titanium bike; putting on a tucked-and-laced dressing-gown and starting a pot of coffee; running out of hot water in the shower because the cyclist joins you and finding that those wall-mounted bars for handicapped people are more useful than towel racks; calling in sick to work; around 3 p.m., phoning out for Chinese food. C. Waking up last Sunday, rolling over, and nuzzling your spouse awake; things went pretty well after that until you remembered that the recycling center closes at noon and it's now eleven forty-five. D. Waking up the neighbors by knocking the armchair over; finding that it works better with the armchair turned over and soldiering on; running out of lubricants and using something from the kitchen instead (it smells more like bleu cheese dressing than organic cold-pressed olive oil); using extension cords in a manner not recommended by the Underwriters' Laboratory; climaxing with the arrival of the police. A preponderance of answer A is apparent: You have Mannered leanings but are too self-conscious to throw yourself into the role. By and large, you have answered B: You are the delight and despair of your friends; your Mannerism is unimpeachable. Choice C is seen most frequently in your answers: You are far too practical to be a Mannerist---indeed you sneer at all such labels---and one wonders, really, why you are bothering to fill up this questionnaire at all. D predominates: You are an incorrigible Modernist; at the moment you are slumming. No single letter chosen more than once, or several choices in each category: You are a post-Modernist and are Mannered on Mondays, Romantic on Tuesdays, Socially Realistic on Wednesdays, Classical on Thursdays, and meatless on Fridays.